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The Person You Want to Look Up To

Iliana Alvarez
Jun 18, 2018
4 min read

"No, my mom and my dad were never together," I say, trying to sound casual. As if it doesn't make me feel some type of way... it did shape me.

The recollection of memories starts with just mom and I. A few men tried winning her and my heart over but had no luck until "Dad" showed up, not my biological father or "Dad, Dad" as I like to call him, but the man who raised me. The man who took me to school every day, the man who helped me with my homework, gave me ten pesos for school, and helped mom comedown "cuando me portaba mal" (when I was bad), the Man!

If you ask me Mom did things right. I was treated no different than my little brother. I was treated as if I was his actual child. Not only by him but by his whole family, and til' this day I still am, and for that, I'm and forever will be thankful.

My "dad, dad" and I met when I was in grade school. We saw each other a few times during summer. We would go to the movies or to the park, it was nice. Except for the part that this messes you up a little.

How? Well for starters at a very young age I was taught to lie to spare from hurting someone's feelings. I was a little girl and I wanted to tell my "Dad" that I knew he wasn't my real father. I was sitting on his lap and I said: "Dad, I know why I have a different last name" there was a moment of silence, his eyes filled up with tears and he asked, "why, why mija?" I saw and felt so many emotions at once, a knot in my throat and I couldn't say it... "they messed up! they messed up on my birth certificate!" I said, "they are so dumb! huh? dad" a half a smile a hug and a"yeah, mija" came next, as he wiped the tear he couldn't stop from rolling down his face.

Meeting my Dad and knowing how he felt about not being the one raising me also made me keep things to myself. I couldn't share a lot of things with my real father because a lot of these involved my stepfather, and that hurt him.

Knowing that my Dad didn't stay would make me wonder what was wrong with me. I lived my life thinking that no matter what, people will abandon you. So I grew up not wanting to get too attached to people for fear that one day they'd abandoned me too. I would leave first so I wouldn't be the one who was left.

And life went on like this. Scaping good relationships because I was too scared to be abandoned and hurt, lying and omitting information to keep people happy and spare their feelings. At one point I was so fed up with not being able to speak my mind for fear of hurting someone that I said screw it, and became "too honest". I wanted for people to toughen up so that I didn't have to, as I would say "sugar coat" things. I had no balance.

I lived life like this for quite some time. Not realizing how bad it was.

Until a few years ago. I met Mark, the person who helped me realize how I had bottled this up inside of me for so long, how speaking on this was something I had never done, and how all of this had shaped me.

This is the first time I openly speak on this.

The first time I say hey, yeah, I'm a little messed up. I have, what I call, a fear of being abandoned.

But realizing this and opening up about it has helped me so much. I no longer pretend is not there, I work on it. I realize is a thing, and by knowing is there I now know what is happening when I start unconsciously pushing people away.

I now embrace how fortunate I am for having two Dads. Neither is less good of a parent. I thank them both for all that they have done and continue to do for me.

Co-parenting is not easy, if I one day have to do it, I owe it to the world to be the very best that I can at it.

It takes a real Man/Woman to treat a child who is not theirs as their own. I hope this inspires many of the Man out there with children who are not their own. You never know what luck your kids will have.

And to my father, my "Dad, dad" the fact that things didn't work out between mom and you doesn't make you any less of a man, or a parent. I thank you for always being there and being such a good parent and friend.